She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
