the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you traded sex for a burrito?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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