enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
