Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
