Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize