so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
