We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
