If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i came on her dog
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
