If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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