I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
