When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
