I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
