I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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