Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
