I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
