my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
