woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
