fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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