I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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