I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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