She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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