he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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