Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
