I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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