Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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