Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
