Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
