Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
