Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
