Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
