in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
