apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
