hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
