Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
