I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
