im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You were trust falling into bushes
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
