Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
