Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Holy shit dude........stairs
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
