Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
