Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
