I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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