Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
