I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
