I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
