how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
