seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
