I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
