So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
