She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
