I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
