maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
