Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
