I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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