A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize