You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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