All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
