we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
