I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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