I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize