TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
