Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
