Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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