If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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