Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
